Monday, June 7, 2010

An Expression of Love Past

I have resisted writing about this for a long, long time. Reasons being this is a topic that is very private, and there’s (hard to admit this) still a fond attachment hidden deep inside and yet to be resolved. Too many nights have I had dreams that have pulled back the feelings of bliss, sadness, frustrations, longing. It was during the 2nd day morning at Lunas that the full extent of emotions spilled out, and left me grieving deeply the loss of this relationship.

It wasn’t the kind of fairytale relationship one would expect. It was a rather mismatched companionship of sorts.

I was then, end 2007, coming out of an extreme rough patch in work, lifestyle and finances. An exploration into meditation has reaped good results, allowing finally some peace and happiness, and a renewed energy to restart my life and career.

The attraction to her was brewing fast, as I had always been fond of ladies who knows how to carry themselves, are independent and, in this case, exudes the confidence of a lady who knows men inside out.

The memories that screamed out so loudly that morning replayed the whole one and half years in slow motion:

The first incentive I had given her at Takashimaya.

The deliberate incentive of a book at Toa Payoh.

The deliberate act of going down to pick her up on the last day so she could submit a proposal in time, and lamely asking her for a first date. The movie was terrible.

The dinner at Pasta Bravia.

The leopard I placed beside her while she was asleep at Mt Alvernia.

The 2 months long period when I was her personal chauffeur and assistant while she limped on her crutches.

The kind words on the night she left for Tokyo.

The encounter with her then ex the day she came back from Tokyo.

The night of sadness and tears after she was back from Melbourne.

The 2 months of on/off madness towards the end of 2008.

The day of renewal, and the night of Andy Lau concert.

The start of a new relationship after a turbulent one year of courtship, and with it comes along a deep understanding and readiness to make things work.

However, such is the nature of impermanence that this was not to be. Both of us had our insecurities bottled up, and was living a changed life without truly realizing the changes. Very soon, the bottle toppled, and spilled over all areas of our lives. The night we drove to Toa Payoh where she dropped her library book, I had meant to tell her I would love and cherish her, but it was not meant to be. The end was abrupt, angry, frustrated. She stopped speaking to me. I had restarted my meditation practice earlier when she needed time to cool off in Japan in July 2009, and this had helped maintain the sanity in the mind.

At the point in time when I thought I was finally past this relationship, and am able to look at this experience with a truly open heart, the monkey mind comes up and gave me a sudden jolt to reality. There has always only been denial, as I have always been placing the emotions to this relationship in the KIV drawer. So the heart soaked it all up, and in one masterful stroke unleashed everything, leaving me crippled.

And so now, one year on, a radical sense of openness surface after the morning at Lunas. Yes there are still the feelings of longing, attachment, care, frustration, sadness. These emotions will never cease to arise in the mind, and there is an open acceptance of them now. While the volition is strong, I shall have to keep on using these impulses as instruments for practice. Allowing the fuel to run out will eventually extinguish the flame.

She has since moved on, and I wish her well in this very life. May she be peaceful, happy, and may all the blessings in her life continue with her acts of kindness. May she have the fortune to touch the Dharma and realize the source of her insecurities, her frustrations, and her desires.

To the love of this life.


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