Loving-kindness starts with the people close to us. The ones who have been here for us all the while, regardless of who we are. When we are able to extend this love to our closest, then the heart is open to give, and receive the love of the world.
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Is He The Wrong Man For You?
Marriage is an essential platform for some, it provides the partners the opportunity to learn to love and be loved. It is a privilege rendered to two persons to learn to live with each other's dark sides, those sides that only surfaces to people closest to us.
Conventionally, most people believe it's possible to input rationality into romantic relationships, and be able to back off when the warning siren goes off. Realistically, its not as easy as we prefer.
The mind goes through an automatic process of habitual reinforcement, and this process is called attachment. This habitual process can go either way, it can reinforce the attachment to the person, or the repulsion. What is required are conditions, in the form of memories, past experience, the perception of ego, amongst many others. The mind will integrate these conditions and presents all the information as a story titled ' How I Feel Towards This Relationship'.
The following article (first taken from http://wisdomquarterly.blogspot.com/), while having some valid points, tends to tilt towards the perceived Self. Probably its the conditioned culture now that more people are looking for external gains out of relationships, ultimately the relationship must make one happy. Also see http://livingunconditionally.blogspot.com/2010/06/one-sided-love-relationship.html for a detailed explanation.
If it is conditional, is it love?
The following article (first taken from http://wisdomquarterly.blogspot.com/), while having some valid points, tends to tilt towards the perceived Self. Probably its the conditioned culture now that more people are looking for external gains out of relationships, ultimately the relationship must make one happy. Also see http://livingunconditionally.blogspot.com/2010/06/one-sided-love-relationship.html for a detailed explanation.
If it is conditional, is it love?
Is he the wrong man for you?
By Theo Pauline Nestor
Is it just jitters or are your cold feet trying to tell you something? Seventeen years ago, Anne Milford called off her engagement to the wrong guy not long before she was due to head down the aisle. In the months after her breakup, all sorts of women began confiding in her with their stories — stories from those who’d broken off their engagement and, more hauntingly, stories from those who hadn’t and regretted it. Eager to find a definitive answer to the question, “Why dowomen marry the wrong guy?”, Milford teamed up with therapist Jennifer Gauvain to write How Not To Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide For Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life. Here, Milford and Gauvain answer our questions.
Q: What inspired you both to write this book?
Milford: Seventeen years ago, I called off my first wedding. In the months following the breakup, I was astounded by the number of women (and a few men) who confided in me that they wished they had the courage to call off their own first weddings. They all stated, in one way or another, that “I knew I was making a mistake as I was walking down the aisle.” I realized that maybe this was one of the reasons the divorce rate was so high — many marriages are doomed from the start because the bride and/or the groom already know it’s a mistake. And they get married anyway!
Q: What inspired you both to write this book?
Milford: Seventeen years ago, I called off my first wedding. In the months following the breakup, I was astounded by the number of women (and a few men) who confided in me that they wished they had the courage to call off their own first weddings. They all stated, in one way or another, that “I knew I was making a mistake as I was walking down the aisle.” I realized that maybe this was one of the reasons the divorce rate was so high — many marriages are doomed from the start because the bride and/or the groom already know it’s a mistake. And they get married anyway!
I wondered why smart men and women would choose walk down the aisle into a marriage they already felt would be a mistake. I also wanted to figure out why I came so close to marrying the wrong guy myself. Even though my fiancé was a very nice man, he was not the right man for me. Deep down, I had known that from the very beginning of the relationship. Why did a smart and capable woman get engaged to the wrong guy? I knew if I talked to enough women, I would uncover a pattern.
Gauvain: When I met Anne, most of my clients were women who were desperately struggling in their relationships. I felt like I needed to do more to help these women who were finding their way to my couch.
Q: So, what are the red flags that indicate someone is “marrying the wrong guy?”
Milford: Red flags in relationships are problematic actions, attitudes and behaviors exhibited by your partner. But red flags aren’t always so obvious — they aren’t just “bad” behaviors, such as dishonesty or infidelity. Vastly differing beliefs or likes and dislikes (religion, jobs, parenting style, etc.) are another kind of red flag. Whatever kind it is, a red flag should make you stop and think. These warning signs offer clues about your boyfriend’s character. Ignore them at your own peril.
In How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, we stress the importance of making the connection between red flags and listening your gut feelings. Why? Because red flags are different for everyone. Rather then spell out every possible red flag in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, we want people to be able to identify what a red flag is for themindividually. (Although we do go through a checklist of possible red flags: Does your partner have a lot of debt? Does he or she have a healthy relationship with family? Does this person have any friends?)
It’s up to you to make the connection between red flags and your gut feelings. We tell people that they can spot a red flag when it causes a reaction in their gut… or that little voice inside starts to speak up. If something feels off, or it doesn’t sit right with you, it’s a red flag.
Q. Why do women marry the wrong guy?
Milford and Gauvain: After talking to hundreds of women who married the wrong guy, we uncovered the three most common reasons why they walked down the aisle:
1. They got caught up in the momentum of the wedding until it was too late to call it off. People incorrectly believe that once the wedding date is set, it’s too late to stop it. Several women said they felt they had passed the point of no return once they received that first wedding gift or attended their first bridal shower. A pile of beautifully wrapped gifts does not have the power to keep you from canceling your wedding. You don’t want a set of wine glasses or a wok to dictate your future.
2. Feelings of fear, shame and embarrassment about publicly admitting that getting married was a mistake.Countless women told us that their pride kept them from calling off their weddings. Openly admitting that you made a mistake is excruciatingly difficult. But we like to remind women that when that marriage ends (and it will), you will still have to admit you made a mistake, but this time it will be in a room full of strangers, a paralegal, your attorney and a judge. How’s that for embarrassing?
3. Financial concerns associated with canceling the wedding. Numerous women told us that they were so swept up with the wedding planning, the dress they already purchased, the reception venue that was already booked, etc. and that they did not want to lose all of that money. There’s no question that there are short-term costs associated with canceling a wedding. But there are many more very nasty, unpleasant and complicated long-term costs that arise from not canceling. The fact is, if you cancel your wedding, you are going to lose some money.
Q. How is marrying the wrong guy related to dating the wrong guy? Could online daters use the principles outlined in How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy to their advantage as they are creating their profiles and choosing prospects for their first and second dates?
Milford and Gauvain: Marrying the wrong guy starts with dating the wrong guy! Women of all ages settle in their relationships. They know the guy is wrong from the start, yet they remain in the relationship. Why do they do it? We discovered five reasons why women date the wrong guy:
Q. What’s the difference between normal pre-wedding jitters and the legitimate cold feet indicating you’re about to head down the aisle with the wrong person?
Milford and Gauvain: Whenever we discuss having doubts about a pending marriage, people immediately start throwing around the terms “jitters” or “cold feet.” They use these terms interchangeably. “Everyone has jitters,” they say. Or, “All brides and grooms get cold feet before the wedding.” We disagree. While everyone might feel nervous about their wedding day, not all brides and grooms are concerned that they may be making a mistake.
If you are nervous or scared because you have temporary concerns about the event (party, reception, bridesmaid, family issues, etc.), you have jitters. If you have doubts about the relationship itself? Then you have cold feet. The following thoughts indicate cold feet:
Theo Pauline Nestor is the author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed and a regular contributor to Happenmagazine. Visit her at www.theopaulinenestor.com. You can learn more about How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy at www.coldfeetpress.com.
Gauvain: When I met Anne, most of my clients were women who were desperately struggling in their relationships. I felt like I needed to do more to help these women who were finding their way to my couch.
Q: So, what are the red flags that indicate someone is “marrying the wrong guy?”
Milford: Red flags in relationships are problematic actions, attitudes and behaviors exhibited by your partner. But red flags aren’t always so obvious — they aren’t just “bad” behaviors, such as dishonesty or infidelity. Vastly differing beliefs or likes and dislikes (religion, jobs, parenting style, etc.) are another kind of red flag. Whatever kind it is, a red flag should make you stop and think. These warning signs offer clues about your boyfriend’s character. Ignore them at your own peril.
In How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, we stress the importance of making the connection between red flags and listening your gut feelings. Why? Because red flags are different for everyone. Rather then spell out every possible red flag in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, we want people to be able to identify what a red flag is for themindividually. (Although we do go through a checklist of possible red flags: Does your partner have a lot of debt? Does he or she have a healthy relationship with family? Does this person have any friends?)
It’s up to you to make the connection between red flags and your gut feelings. We tell people that they can spot a red flag when it causes a reaction in their gut… or that little voice inside starts to speak up. If something feels off, or it doesn’t sit right with you, it’s a red flag.
Q. Why do women marry the wrong guy?
Milford and Gauvain: After talking to hundreds of women who married the wrong guy, we uncovered the three most common reasons why they walked down the aisle:
1. They got caught up in the momentum of the wedding until it was too late to call it off. People incorrectly believe that once the wedding date is set, it’s too late to stop it. Several women said they felt they had passed the point of no return once they received that first wedding gift or attended their first bridal shower. A pile of beautifully wrapped gifts does not have the power to keep you from canceling your wedding. You don’t want a set of wine glasses or a wok to dictate your future.
2. Feelings of fear, shame and embarrassment about publicly admitting that getting married was a mistake.Countless women told us that their pride kept them from calling off their weddings. Openly admitting that you made a mistake is excruciatingly difficult. But we like to remind women that when that marriage ends (and it will), you will still have to admit you made a mistake, but this time it will be in a room full of strangers, a paralegal, your attorney and a judge. How’s that for embarrassing?
3. Financial concerns associated with canceling the wedding. Numerous women told us that they were so swept up with the wedding planning, the dress they already purchased, the reception venue that was already booked, etc. and that they did not want to lose all of that money. There’s no question that there are short-term costs associated with canceling a wedding. But there are many more very nasty, unpleasant and complicated long-term costs that arise from not canceling. The fact is, if you cancel your wedding, you are going to lose some money.
Q. How is marrying the wrong guy related to dating the wrong guy? Could online daters use the principles outlined in How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy to their advantage as they are creating their profiles and choosing prospects for their first and second dates?
Milford and Gauvain: Marrying the wrong guy starts with dating the wrong guy! Women of all ages settle in their relationships. They know the guy is wrong from the start, yet they remain in the relationship. Why do they do it? We discovered five reasons why women date the wrong guy:
- Loneliness and insecurity
- Believing that the relationship is the solution to their problems
- External pressures to get married
- Thinking that “he will fix me” or “I will fix him”
- Ignoring red flags and gut feelings
Q. What’s the difference between normal pre-wedding jitters and the legitimate cold feet indicating you’re about to head down the aisle with the wrong person?
Milford and Gauvain: Whenever we discuss having doubts about a pending marriage, people immediately start throwing around the terms “jitters” or “cold feet.” They use these terms interchangeably. “Everyone has jitters,” they say. Or, “All brides and grooms get cold feet before the wedding.” We disagree. While everyone might feel nervous about their wedding day, not all brides and grooms are concerned that they may be making a mistake.
If you are nervous or scared because you have temporary concerns about the event (party, reception, bridesmaid, family issues, etc.), you have jitters. If you have doubts about the relationship itself? Then you have cold feet. The following thoughts indicate cold feet:
- I feel like I am settling.
- I don’t like they way I’m being treated.
- I hope our relationship will improve after the wedding.
- I don’t think this person is going to make a good spouse.
- I have to go through with this because we have been dating for so long.
- If I don’t marry this person, I will never find anyone else.
Theo Pauline Nestor is the author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed and a regular contributor to Happenmagazine. Visit her at www.theopaulinenestor.com. You can learn more about How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy at www.coldfeetpress.com.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
An Expression of Love Past
I have resisted writing about this for a long, long time. Reasons being this is a topic that is very private, and there’s (hard to admit this) still a fond attachment hidden deep inside and yet to be resolved. Too many nights have I had dreams that have pulled back the feelings of bliss, sadness, frustrations, longing. It was during the 2nd day morning at Lunas that the full extent of emotions spilled out, and left me grieving deeply the loss of this relationship.
It wasn’t the kind of fairytale relationship one would expect. It was a rather mismatched companionship of sorts.
I was then, end 2007, coming out of an extreme rough patch in work, lifestyle and finances. An exploration into meditation has reaped good results, allowing finally some peace and happiness, and a renewed energy to restart my life and career.
The attraction to her was brewing fast, as I had always been fond of ladies who knows how to carry themselves, are independent and, in this case, exudes the confidence of a lady who knows men inside out.
The memories that screamed out so loudly that morning replayed the whole one and half years in slow motion:
The first incentive I had given her at Takashimaya.
The deliberate incentive of a book at Toa Payoh.
The deliberate act of going down to pick her up on the last day so she could submit a proposal in time, and lamely asking her for a first date. The movie was terrible.
The dinner at Pasta Bravia.
The leopard I placed beside her while she was asleep at Mt Alvernia.
The 2 months long period when I was her personal chauffeur and assistant while she limped on her crutches.
The kind words on the night she left for Tokyo.
The encounter with her then ex the day she came back from Tokyo.
The night of sadness and tears after she was back from Melbourne.
The 2 months of on/off madness towards the end of 2008.
The day of renewal, and the night of Andy Lau concert.
The start of a new relationship after a turbulent one year of courtship, and with it comes along a deep understanding and readiness to make things work.
However, such is the nature of impermanence that this was not to be. Both of us had our insecurities bottled up, and was living a changed life without truly realizing the changes. Very soon, the bottle toppled, and spilled over all areas of our lives. The night we drove to Toa Payoh where she dropped her library book, I had meant to tell her I would love and cherish her, but it was not meant to be. The end was abrupt, angry, frustrated. She stopped speaking to me. I had restarted my meditation practice earlier when she needed time to cool off in Japan in July 2009, and this had helped maintain the sanity in the mind.
At the point in time when I thought I was finally past this relationship, and am able to look at this experience with a truly open heart, the monkey mind comes up and gave me a sudden jolt to reality. There has always only been denial, as I have always been placing the emotions to this relationship in the KIV drawer. So the heart soaked it all up, and in one masterful stroke unleashed everything, leaving me crippled.
And so now, one year on, a radical sense of openness surface after the morning at Lunas. Yes there are still the feelings of longing, attachment, care, frustration, sadness. These emotions will never cease to arise in the mind, and there is an open acceptance of them now. While the volition is strong, I shall have to keep on using these impulses as instruments for practice. Allowing the fuel to run out will eventually extinguish the flame.
She has since moved on, and I wish her well in this very life. May she be peaceful, happy, and may all the blessings in her life continue with her acts of kindness. May she have the fortune to touch the Dharma and realize the source of her insecurities, her frustrations, and her desires.
To the love of this life.
Metta.
It wasn’t the kind of fairytale relationship one would expect. It was a rather mismatched companionship of sorts.
I was then, end 2007, coming out of an extreme rough patch in work, lifestyle and finances. An exploration into meditation has reaped good results, allowing finally some peace and happiness, and a renewed energy to restart my life and career.
The attraction to her was brewing fast, as I had always been fond of ladies who knows how to carry themselves, are independent and, in this case, exudes the confidence of a lady who knows men inside out.
The memories that screamed out so loudly that morning replayed the whole one and half years in slow motion:
The first incentive I had given her at Takashimaya.
The deliberate incentive of a book at Toa Payoh.
The deliberate act of going down to pick her up on the last day so she could submit a proposal in time, and lamely asking her for a first date. The movie was terrible.
The dinner at Pasta Bravia.
The leopard I placed beside her while she was asleep at Mt Alvernia.
The 2 months long period when I was her personal chauffeur and assistant while she limped on her crutches.
The kind words on the night she left for Tokyo.
The encounter with her then ex the day she came back from Tokyo.
The night of sadness and tears after she was back from Melbourne.
The 2 months of on/off madness towards the end of 2008.
The day of renewal, and the night of Andy Lau concert.
The start of a new relationship after a turbulent one year of courtship, and with it comes along a deep understanding and readiness to make things work.
However, such is the nature of impermanence that this was not to be. Both of us had our insecurities bottled up, and was living a changed life without truly realizing the changes. Very soon, the bottle toppled, and spilled over all areas of our lives. The night we drove to Toa Payoh where she dropped her library book, I had meant to tell her I would love and cherish her, but it was not meant to be. The end was abrupt, angry, frustrated. She stopped speaking to me. I had restarted my meditation practice earlier when she needed time to cool off in Japan in July 2009, and this had helped maintain the sanity in the mind.
At the point in time when I thought I was finally past this relationship, and am able to look at this experience with a truly open heart, the monkey mind comes up and gave me a sudden jolt to reality. There has always only been denial, as I have always been placing the emotions to this relationship in the KIV drawer. So the heart soaked it all up, and in one masterful stroke unleashed everything, leaving me crippled.
And so now, one year on, a radical sense of openness surface after the morning at Lunas. Yes there are still the feelings of longing, attachment, care, frustration, sadness. These emotions will never cease to arise in the mind, and there is an open acceptance of them now. While the volition is strong, I shall have to keep on using these impulses as instruments for practice. Allowing the fuel to run out will eventually extinguish the flame.
She has since moved on, and I wish her well in this very life. May she be peaceful, happy, and may all the blessings in her life continue with her acts of kindness. May she have the fortune to touch the Dharma and realize the source of her insecurities, her frustrations, and her desires.
To the love of this life.
Metta.
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